Thursday, December 13, 2007

More Juice than O.J.

Post #35 Topic: Santa LOVES the Mitchell Report

Every year, Santa spends months and months trying to figure out who is naughty and who is nice. This is a lot of pressure for one man to handle, even the robust figure known around the world as Santa Claus (St. Noel). How could one man possibly chronicle every child and adult across the entire globe into one list, especially when so much rests on the creation of this list. To think that one man’s gift-receiving fate can be erroneously determined by a simple elfin clerical error is a low down dirty shame.

Throw in the fact that there are thousands of kids that the census doesn’t even know about and you can imagine the scope of Santa’s job. Compiling this list is like preparing for finals for Santa. In August he’s skipping class on Wednesdays to watch hockey. On Thursdays he’s leaving the library early for happy hour. On Saturdays he’s the king of “Wake ‘n Bake land” to brush off the yester day’s hangover. Finally, on Sunday, so worn out by it all, Santa takes a day off to watch football and unwind… how else should he get prepared to do it all over again.

Come September, Santa can smell finals; they’re literally right around the corner. So he starts casually consolidating his notes. Johnny? Dece. Billie? NAUGHTY NAUGHTY. David? JEW! Don’t listen to the words of the song, Santa does not check the list twice. In fact, he hardly even checks it once. Rather, often times his naughty or nice judgment is based on a whim and how delicious his sandwich was at lunch that day.

Then in November, Santa starts panicking. Out of the 5 billion people on this earth (jesus China/India… get some Jimmy Hats!), he’s only chronicled 392,027. He starts cramming, staying up long nights to force more children onto his list, just so he can maintain that 40% efficiency rating that his followers have come to expect. NO COOKIES FOR YOU SANTA… TWO MONTHS!

Finally in December, Santa is working 24 hrs a day up until the time of his mass delivery. Unfortunately, BROWN can do less than nothing for Santa. But this year Santa has some reprieve, in the form of none other than a list. This list will help Santa eliminate at least 80 people off of his list, albeit a small number but in this town, good help is hard to find.

The Mitchell Report is out (actually its not out yet, but because of my generally high regard in the industry these types of documents are usually ran by me prior to their public release… my approval can make or break a list OF ANY SORT’s reputation). On the Mitchell report are a lot of names that we as baseball fans should not be surprised to see. Mo Vaughn, Albert Belle, the Boone bro’s, Juan Gonzales, Sammy Sosa, Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds and Jeff Bagwell amongst others. Quite frankly, if these men weren’t on steroids then our government is foolish not to be cloning them and using them as a freak-militia to send terrorists back to 30-virgin land. What comes as a surprise on this list, are some of the names that we didn’t expect… or at least hoped (for the sanctity of baseball) wouldn’t appear.

I shall discuss several:

Roger Clemens: Other than Nolan Ryan, not too many guys throw 95 mph heat into their mid forties. Roger Clemens loves his own swagger like hybrid drivers love the smell of their own farts. His casual walk to the mound reeks of “I’m better than you” and his calm demeanor suggests a major superiority complex. Well Roger, if we’re putting asterisks next to Barry’s Home Run records, then perhaps your Cy Young’s deserve the same… unless of course CY YOUNG HIMSELF was on steroids but something tells me that its your 28 million dollars pro-rated that is what spurred you on whereas Cy Young was paid with Jack Daniels and hookers.

Jason Grimsley: Grimsley might be the biggest proponent for the asterisk to be taken off of Bonds’ ball. See Jason Grimsley sucks. He’s never been good. He’s always been a back of the bullpen reliever, a guy with a bad attitude and an inability to control his fastball (which coincidentally was his only pitch). If Grimsely could suck so bad ON STEROIDS… then Barry has a good case that his 756 was the result of his god-given talent.

Nomar Garciaparra: Nomar… Come on! Now I hate the Sox but in his hey day, it was hard to argue that Nomar was one of the top short-stops in Baseball. At that time, the AL was a breeding ground for the position with A-Rod, Jeter, and Nomar all established and Miguel Tejada working his way up the ranks. Then Nomar got hurt. If Nomar’s steroid use was strictly in response to his injury then I, as the ultimate judge of character, give him a free pass. IF NOT… NOMAR, then you best be keeping your early year habits a secret.

Jeremy Giambi: Hi I’m Jeremy Giambi.

Wally Joyner (left): The one thing I remember about Wally Joyner, other than his career longevity, was that he had a really squishy face. If squishy face is the result of steroids then I’m all for steroid use because squishy face has the potential to add a lot of humor to an otherwise dry game.

Pujols: Say it ain’t so. At a time when St. Louis was being admonished for their McGwire support, you came along and restored some dignity to this historical club. Now they’re saying that you were using as well. SAY IT AIN’T SO(oooooo) Albert. You’re supposed to be one of those guys who erases Barry’s Carbon footprint, not one of those guys who shrugs and says, “Steroids aren’t really that bad

David Segui: Hi I’m Jeremy Giambi.

Mo Vaughn: Is it possible that Mo was accidentally slipped steroids, perhaps into his cheesesteaks or double bacon burgers. This man literally looked like he was going to sink in the sand on his way to 1st base, what a monster. The story behind Mo was that the Sox called him up one year and he did nothing. They sent him back down that same year. The following year when they called him back up he went on to produce MVP numbers… Why is it that critics weren’t suspicious of such fluctations in player production back then? Perhaps we should blame ourselves for Mo’s subsequent deterioration seeing that all the signs were there and we could have intervened earlier. Then the Mets brought Mo in and, like another steroid abuser (former Canadian wrestler)… he choked.

Jason Varitek: Varitek’s a catcher, which in my mind is the one position that should be permitted to use steroids. These guys crouch for 162 games and are expected to maintain homo-erectus structure. It’s surprising that they’re not reduced to crawling in and out of the stadium by their 4th year. Heck, I can’t even crouch over the toilet for 5 minutes without getting a Charlie Horse.

Where do I stand? F-it. Seriously, its quite clear that this Mitchell report list is not all-encompassing. We can assume that there were some athletes that foresaw the crackdown and were smart enough to be secretive in their “pumping up”. I would venture to say that nearly half the league was at one time on the roids. But we can’t be hypocrites. We Americans elected a governor, in one of our biggest states, with a publicly-known past steroid addiction. How we can ever hold our baseball players to a higher standard than our politicians is well, pretty damn stupid.

So I say, free steroids for all. Lets juice up the statistics. Lets see the 110 MPH fastball. Lets enable the legends of the sport to play into their 60’s. After all, who can deny that baseball is A LOT MORE FUN, on steroids.

Other Notes

Check out my sister-page at, where my first staffer, the squirrel master preaches about lessons in life taught through sports.

Given how much better Cherry Pepsi is than regular Pepsi (same with coke), why not put cherries in everything… literally. Seems pretty foolproof to me.

I know that using paper kills trees. But we use a lot of paper. How many trees are there? There’s gotta be at least a thousand or something.

1 comment:

rcmdpc said...

And when half of MLB is on steroids you still don't think it's all fixed as I've been telling you since you were in diapers?