Thursday, April 22, 2010

A Few of My Favorite Things

Post #3, Volume #2

Why the NHL Playoffs are Sweet.

Last night I was watching some NHL Playoff action with some friends - particularly the Bruins/Sabres games. In honor of earth day and in belated honor of 4.20, I was mildly intoxicated but worry not for the experience was entirely organic! Watching what turned out to be an amazing game, my mind was wandering around the past several years, attempting to recall a sporting event I'd enjoyed so fervently; for a while I struggled.

About a year ago I went to a rodeo in Ft. Worth Texas. Yes, I was put off by the roping of young cattle and the training of young humans to do said roping but nonetheless I was pretty darn entertained.

I caught a game of gangsta' stickball on Frederick Douglas Boulevard last year - that too was sweet.

Apparently, beyond those two events my mind is devoid of a fonder memory than watching a playoff hockey games. So, with the help of some herbal enhancement, I put together the following list - I call it (enderaingly) "Why the NHL Playoffs are Sweet!"

1. No Shootout: I understand the reasons behind the shootout. NHL barrons will tell you that it increases interest amongst the casual hockey fan and avoids the potentially never-ending drama of a four or five overtime game. Well let me say I am no casual hockey fan and I quite like the drama thank you very much. In the regular season, overtime is only five minutes. Not wanting to give up a goal in that O.T. period and knowing that the season (except after the 82nd game) will continue tomorrow, teams are not so interested in Winning in Overtime. This is especially the case against division rivals. Rather, most teams prefer to seal their fate in the shootout where they are insulated against the mistake of miserable defenseman a la Wade Redden. In the playoffs, teams need to win - there's no settling for an overtime loss. For example, last night the Sabres NEEDED to win. Already down 2-1 in the series and faced with the threat of having to win three straight games, the Sabres went all out in overtime; pinching both defenseman as soon as the puck crossed the redline into the Bruins zone. This strategy makes for a fast, up-and-down game in which fast-breaks are plentiful and outnumbered only be quality scoring chances. Then, when the game is anchored by two top goalies both on top their games, fans are rewarded with exciting offensive hockey, and like last night - amazing reactionary goaltending. NHL playoff overtime games piss on regular season overtime games.

2. Better Announcers: Call me a homer, but Sam Rosen is really a joy to listen to. He adds such an intriguing pace to the game. On odd-man rushes his voice lingers like a skillful russian playmaker, his inflection a direct barometer of the exact degree of pressure the defending team is under at the moment - in essence, his announcing personifies the action and forcefully establishes the suspense in the minds of listeners and the eyes of viewers by vocally supplementing the on-ice action. Sam however is becoming "of age", and there are nights that his broadcasting ability seems to teeter on the age of competence. But, as evidenced by his powerful calling of the Bruins/Sabres game, when it comes down to the playoffs Sam is like the Johan Franzen and his Mighty Wings in that despite constant suggestions of the opposite, he's still got it.

3. The Best Players Play... A Lot.

Tyler Myers is 19, he's 6 foot 8, and he is going to be a stud defenseman. Despite some early season hiccups, he became not only the Sabres most reliable defenseman and not only their most offensively gifted defenseman, but also one of the top defenseman in the league - at age 19. In fact, Myers has progressed so speedily that he is almost playing up to the caliber of the defenseman whom his size and agility enables him to emulate - Zdeno Chara. Last night, the two defenseman wound up matched against one another quite often. In fact, in the process of explaining some of the strategy around the positioning of the players during the 1st overtime to my novice hockey-fan friends, I found myself constantly using "Myers" or "Chara" as examples. I began to wonder how many minutes they were playing. Chara is a horse; known for eating up about 28-30 minutes per night during the regular season and more in the playoffs. But Myers is a rookie, and to keep up to NHL speed for that period of time is grueling for even the most experienced of defensemen, especially the large ones. The final numbers: Myers logged 35 minutes and Chara 37. Make no mistake, this is a lot of minutes. To put it in perspective a basketball game is 48 minutes, much of it is spent standing around. If you figure that a team typically doesn't shoot until the shot clock is 2/3 expired then the game is only 16 minutes. Factor in time on the bench and even lebron is only playing 14-15 minutes a night... WEARING SHOES. In the NHL Playoffs, the best players play and they play a lot.

4. The Best Players Make Clear That They Are The Best Players.

In four games Alex Ovechkin has 8 points. Extrapolated over an entire season and Alex the Great would total 164 points which is unheard of outside of Gretzky's tenure. What is even more amazing about that stat is those 8 points place Ovechkin 3rd in scoring. In 2nd sits his talented centerman, Nik Backstrom, whom I hold to be the most valuable centerman in the league with or without Alex. Without much effort you can guess whose first - If you guessed anyone other than Sidney Crosby then, well, its nice to know there are other Ranger Fans reading this. Crosby has 11 points in 4 games. Watching Alex, and Sid, and Nik (who i truly do believe to be on their level and would fully support the rangers making an offer sheet for) perform thus far has been only minimally about their points, and moreso about their presence. Teams are double and triple teaming the threeseome and in response, the three have simply raised their games. What's more exciting is that the two teams (Pens and Caps) are on a crash course to meet in the Eastern Conference Finals, which brings me to the last reason why the NHL Playoffs are just great.

5. We Don't Have to Watch the Rangers

Use of the word "Rangers" here implies not only the NY team, but also all other NHL disappointments. In the playoffs, both teams show up to play every night. Stupid penalties are cut down, coaches demand accountability from star players, overpaid defenseman still play like all-stars, and young players with the potential to make a difference aren't buried on 4th lines. Instead, fans are treated to intense battles, palyers playing above their skill-levels, the emergence of future stars, poise in net reminiscent of Roy and Brodeur (in his hay day). During the NHL playoffs, if you watch a game you get the classy Wings, the unsolvable Penguins, the forceful Capitals - there's no empty-arena-panthers, no mis-managed Tampa Bay Lightning, no teams from Columbus. Only the best of the best actually make it to the NHL Playoffs - there are no Charlotte Bobcats, and their presence makes for great action appreciated by even the most nay-saying hockey detractors.


My pussy liberal friend joked to me that Oprah was on Obama's shortlist to replace Justice Stevens - I believed him.

People give Tiger Woods a hard time but Marv Albert is still announcing prime time basketball.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Shockingly, Tiger Finishes Masters With a Round at 69

Post #3 Volume #2

The tiger sage really keeps getting better. Every lull is briskly followed by a more shocking than the last revelation. She was a stripper? She was 21? He was on ambien? He TEXT MESSAGES? He's well-endowed? He likes threesomes???? The tiger story in chart firm would be a straight line from the 3rd to the 1st quadrant.

"Listen everyone: I fucked up. At first I was strong; able to resist the constant barrage of sexual opportunities. But one day i got weak, i got lonely, i got careless. On that day i gave in, and once i gave in i started to find ways to excuse my behavior each time until i got so deep into it that it simply stopped seeming wrong. But it was wrong and I'm sorry to all those hurt by my actions. But what i need you all to understand, and perhaps even embrace, is that the situation I was in was nearly impossible to navigate cleanly. I'm only a man and like many others, I succumbed to temptation. I am not addicted to sex nor do i believe that sex can become an addiction. What i do believe is that I was addicted to the excitement that my life entailed, and worse off, had absolutely no means or hope of escaping the clutches of being desired. So I ask that we move on. Rather than treating me like a celebrity, treat me like a man. Judge me if you will but please, i fucked up, lets move on."

Had Tiger's first response to all this awesome commotion been what you read above, i'm confident that more people would hold a sentiment similar to mine in regards to the worlds best golfer, and the worlds only golfing draw. That sentiment is sympahty: Deep, dark, undying sympathy. The manner in which the stories of Tigers' romps have been regurgitated by the national media have made him seem like a ambien-dropping, sex-driven machine. However, a quick look at the play-by-play of the events, and how they've unfolded, clearly demonstrates that there was a lot more in play here than just a "Randy Johnson".

Just a few days ago, we heard that Tiger had sex with his 21 year old neighbor. Oh how could you tiger, you evil evil man. Truth is, there are few straight men who don't at least get excited by the prospect, and while most married-with-children men might resist once, perhaps even twice, upon the third flaunting of young flesh those previously resilient men would instantly begin dropping like flies. And that's if this hypothetical man was, say, out at a bar, in a collegetown, etc... But with Tiger, the circumstances was far more dire. Tiger literally could not leave his driveway without having a girl clearly indicate her desire to sleep with him. Imagine knowing in the back of your head that the second you walked into a perkins, some girl was going to be dropping her set in your face... every time. Tiger's life would make the perfect story for a crappy horror movie where the main character knows that someone's watching them at every corner, waiting to pounce, and that no matter how smart or crafty he or she could be... there was simply NO... WAY... OUT!

What would you do if you woke up for work, walked out of your apartment and got into the elevator only to have a woman instantly start reaching for your shit. And then when you get to starbucks for your coffee, the barista slips you her number on the back of a naked picture of her. You get to work, and your secretary comes in and deliberately bends over in front of you. You call your counterpart in the berlin office and she starts talking dirty to you. You leave your office for the airport and the security guard gets a little too personal. Then on the airplane, the middle aged mom with the fake rack sitting next to you decides to cover you BOTH with the blanket. When you get off the plane, michael jordan is there to pick you up in a limo with half a dozen topless strippers who are already drunk and acting frisky. You get to your hotel and the concierge, while handing you your key, sensually rubs your hand and looks at you licking her lips. Finally when you get up to your room, after only narrowly avoiding the two college girls in short-shorts walking into the room across from you who while giggling invited you in for a drink, your gorgeous swedish super model wife is spread eagle on the couch waiting for you to "end her day".

Sounds nauseating. Shockingly, if you imagine this being your life DAY AFTER DAY, this otherwise awesome story sounds tiresome, annoying, and downright miserable. How many days of this could the average man withstand before managing to convince himself that "ok just this one time" won't do any harm. Makes you understand why Tiger resorted to sleep medications. Perhaps in Tiger's dreams women leave him alone.

Poor Tiger literally could not leave his driveway without having a girl chase him down. Tiger's life became a shitty, never-ending, axe commercial. So enough of the criticism. Enough of the "holier than thou, how could you" approach that all you sinners use to make yourselves feel more righteous. Few if any men can truly understand the plague that became Tiger's life. Rather than looking at him as an asshole, we should sit in prayer and hope this poor man can one day return to a life where vaginas didn't fall from the sky and where even your masters scorecard prods at your sexual escapades.

Other Notes

General Tso/Chao is a deragatory term given to a poor sustinence farmer in undeveloped china. But the chicken is awesome so who cares.

The Arnold Palmer ESPN Commercial is nothing short of awesome.

Walking around outside in summer seems like a great idea until summer comes.

If 1/10th of Central park was dedicated to growing vegetables which were then sold to street vendors, NYC could afford to run the MTA as an effective agency rather than the mockery that its become. I have an easier time getting a train at 4 A.M. than P.M.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Teetering on the Edge of Horribility

Post #2 Volume #2

With two games left in the regular season, the Rangers actually control their own destiny - a term heard so often in sports but seldom accompanied with actual truth. The Rangers, who sit two points behind the 8th seeded Flyers play those same Flyers twice this weekend. Therefore, if the Rangers that beat the Maple Leafs 5-1 rather than those that lost to the Sabres 5-2 decide to show up for both contests, any other games will be completely and entirely irrelevant.
Despite the degree of my fandom, I do not hesitate to acknowledge that the Rangers as they are assembled now are simply not of the caliber necessary to win the Stanley Cup. Yes, there are a slew of prospects in the system capable of developing into the first line forwards the rangers need to adequately compliment Marian Gaborik (Chris Kreider, Ethen Werek, Evgeny Grachev, Derek Stepan to name a few), and yes the rangers show great promise on the blue line with a rapidly maturing Marc Staal, a future offensive weapon in Michael Del Zotto and several more impact players in the pipeline... but for now the rangers simply can't hack it amongst the best teams in the East, or for that matter the west.
Why? Well the answer is simple - the Rangers are too bottom heavy. Too many of the 12 forwards the Rangers ice each night belong on bottom two lines in checking-centric roles. Yet, despite these players' bottom six skills, the shortage of top six threats has caused Coach Tortorella to compensate by giving fringe NHL'ers like Erik Christensen, Brian Prust, Aaron Voros and other considerable top six time.

But DC... what about Gaborik? Didn't he break his single season point record despite missing half a dozen games? And didn't his 85 and counting points far outnumber the 50 something that last years' leading scorer, Nik Zherdev, amassed in a similar total of games played?

The short answer is yes. The long answer follows with a big, mcdonalds craving, no exercise getting but. The problem is that Marian is doing it all alone (duh!). But statistically, this claim garners much more credence. Fais-attention.

The top five teams in the league, based on points accumulated, as of April 8th are:
San Jose

Due to a brew of unrelated reasons, the two teams in the last two cups - Wings and Penguins, are not in this list. However, assuming they will experience considerable success in the upcoming lord stanley's march, we can throw them into the group as further proof of the formula.

What do all of these teams have: Each of these teams has 1 player in the top ten in scoring - we'll call them a top ten:

Alex Ovechkin
Henrik Sedin
Joe Thornton
Patrick Kane
Sidney Crosby

The coyotes are an exception, and have found a back-door to the playoffs. The Red Wings two stars who are typically amongst the top ten, Pavel Datsyuk and Henrik Zetterberg, are heating up just in time for the playoffs.

Marian Gaborik is also a top ten (9th overall in scoring). The next crucial element is where the Rangers fall off. 5 of the 7 aforementioned teams also have a player in the top 20 in league scoring - we'll call them a top 20:

Niclkas Backstrom
Patrick Marleau
Evegeny Malkin
Duncan Keith (we can assume Toews would have been up there if he played a full season. keith, a defenseman, is 24th in scoring)
Daniel Sedin

Hovering immediately below are the two wings mentioned above - further proving the point. Looking down the standings, the teams you'd instantly pick to potentially do some damage in the playoffs both the same 1-2 punch (a top ten and a top twenty).

The Devils have Kovalchuk at 11 and Parise at 18 for example.

So what's the lesson? Well, until the Rangers can clear the cap room necessary to pay another top 20 to supplement the production coming from Marian, one of the league's most dominant players, they simply aren't a member of that echelon of teams widely considered to be contending for the stanley cup. For that reason, should the Rangers sweep the Flyers in this weekend's home and home, DCMSG reccommends taking it as a small step in the direction of future results, rather than a sign that the Rangers have even the slightest chance to compete against alex and nick's caps, especially in light of the fact that Mike Green and Alex Semin of the caps are likewise top 20's. Even more so given our primary counterparts to the caps 2 least dangerous, dangerous weapons are the very guys being paid to be top 20's - Wade Redden and Chris Drury, who combined this season have less points than the Capitals FIFTH OPTION, Brooks Laich!

Other Notes

Shut up Oprah. Please... Shut up.

The 6 train is proof that racism is acceptable underground

If you kill an ant it will probably come back to life just to piss you off later.

And We're Back

Post #1 - Volume #2

Back by Popular Demand

Almost a year having passed since I last bestowed my brilliance upon my faithful readers, I must admit that continuing or perhaps "restarting" dcmsg was amongst a slew of things furthers from my mind. All that changed this morning when a little birdie named "deserved recognition" appeared on my doorstep in the form of my only other jewish friend from college, and the proud owner of the world's largest big toe (as of yet unregistered with Guinness).
I never really expected word of my blog to spread far and wide, let alone at all, but by some mysterious grace of god's glory, April 8th of the year 2010 marks the first time DCMSG received national recognition. The following is an exact transcript of our conversation "note the google nickname i gifted him":

9:35 AM E-Toe: dude
your stupid blog is linked from deadspin
me: ?
9:36 AM go down to the link that says syracuse team
9:37 AM someone commented Hey. Click that "Syracuse team" link if you hate yourself.
me: HAHAH no shit
9:38 AM whats deadspin
E-Toe: youve never heard of deadspin?
its like the most famous sports blog
they have broken tons of stories

So there you have it... or do you??? Turns out, the national media wasn't done with my quaint little blog, as referenced by this later conversation with my same friend now known to you as e-toe; Behold:

E-Toe: what the hell is goin on here
me: ?
2:06 PM E-Toe: now troy nunes is an abosulte magician is quotign your stupid blog
2:07 PM me: im a star
fuck yea
2:08 PM E-Toe: haha
me: where have i heard this before - meaning hes a regular
y way
E-Toe: haha;_ylt=ArFRyO_.X2r.7Fo32bYOvbJxFb8C;_ylu=X3oDMTJyb3ZscHR1BGFzc2V0A2FwLzIwMTAwNDA4L3VzX3R2X2plcnNleV9zaG9yZV9jb3B5Y2F0BGNwb3MDMgRwb3MDNARzZWMDeW5fdG9wX3N0b3J5BHNsawNqZXJzZXlzaG9yZXA-
2:09 PM this is gonna be the worst show ever

8 minutes
2:17 PM me: does nunes' blog get a lot of viewers?
2:18 PM E-Toe: i mean in terms of syracuse blogs
its a really good blog
me: hmmm iu like it
E-Toe: the guy who writes is really funny
me: im on the toip of my game
dust off the bloggin shoes
E-Toe: yea its aweosme
please dont

Now as you can probably tell - e-toe is not an "open" fan of DCMSG; rather, he's maliciously lurking in the back of that large closet of his. Well i say this - FUCK YOU E-TOE - you know you're reading this so therefore I win... again.

Other Notes

Troy Nunes apparently doesn't actually write the Troy Nunes blog. How do i know this? because at the end of the column in which he referenced my masterful stroke of keyboard, he said something along the lines of "this is why you should never have a girlfriend." WILL THE REAL TROY NUNES PLEASE STAND UP. When i was a freshman at Syracuse, there was one girl out of 8500 that every guy knew. Her name was marcy and she was the captain of the dance team. She was a senior and she was really really attractive - i mean really. Oh, and she dated Troy Nunes... the real one.

Is anyone else not excited at all at the prospects of a Sandra Bullock sex-tape?

Is anyone else surprised that Sandra Bullock's name isn't actually Sondra Bullock?

Who the hell is two boots to charge 3.75 for a slice of plain, shitty pizza.