Sunday, April 11, 2010

Shockingly, Tiger Finishes Masters With a Round at 69

Post #3 Volume #2

The tiger sage really keeps getting better. Every lull is briskly followed by a more shocking than the last revelation. She was a stripper? She was 21? He was on ambien? He TEXT MESSAGES? He's well-endowed? He likes threesomes???? The tiger story in chart firm would be a straight line from the 3rd to the 1st quadrant.

"Listen everyone: I fucked up. At first I was strong; able to resist the constant barrage of sexual opportunities. But one day i got weak, i got lonely, i got careless. On that day i gave in, and once i gave in i started to find ways to excuse my behavior each time until i got so deep into it that it simply stopped seeming wrong. But it was wrong and I'm sorry to all those hurt by my actions. But what i need you all to understand, and perhaps even embrace, is that the situation I was in was nearly impossible to navigate cleanly. I'm only a man and like many others, I succumbed to temptation. I am not addicted to sex nor do i believe that sex can become an addiction. What i do believe is that I was addicted to the excitement that my life entailed, and worse off, had absolutely no means or hope of escaping the clutches of being desired. So I ask that we move on. Rather than treating me like a celebrity, treat me like a man. Judge me if you will but please, i fucked up, lets move on."

Had Tiger's first response to all this awesome commotion been what you read above, i'm confident that more people would hold a sentiment similar to mine in regards to the worlds best golfer, and the worlds only golfing draw. That sentiment is sympahty: Deep, dark, undying sympathy. The manner in which the stories of Tigers' romps have been regurgitated by the national media have made him seem like a ambien-dropping, sex-driven machine. However, a quick look at the play-by-play of the events, and how they've unfolded, clearly demonstrates that there was a lot more in play here than just a "Randy Johnson".

Just a few days ago, we heard that Tiger had sex with his 21 year old neighbor. Oh how could you tiger, you evil evil man. Truth is, there are few straight men who don't at least get excited by the prospect, and while most married-with-children men might resist once, perhaps even twice, upon the third flaunting of young flesh those previously resilient men would instantly begin dropping like flies. And that's if this hypothetical man was, say, out at a bar, in a collegetown, etc... But with Tiger, the circumstances was far more dire. Tiger literally could not leave his driveway without having a girl clearly indicate her desire to sleep with him. Imagine knowing in the back of your head that the second you walked into a perkins, some girl was going to be dropping her set in your face... every time. Tiger's life would make the perfect story for a crappy horror movie where the main character knows that someone's watching them at every corner, waiting to pounce, and that no matter how smart or crafty he or she could be... there was simply NO... WAY... OUT!

What would you do if you woke up for work, walked out of your apartment and got into the elevator only to have a woman instantly start reaching for your shit. And then when you get to starbucks for your coffee, the barista slips you her number on the back of a naked picture of her. You get to work, and your secretary comes in and deliberately bends over in front of you. You call your counterpart in the berlin office and she starts talking dirty to you. You leave your office for the airport and the security guard gets a little too personal. Then on the airplane, the middle aged mom with the fake rack sitting next to you decides to cover you BOTH with the blanket. When you get off the plane, michael jordan is there to pick you up in a limo with half a dozen topless strippers who are already drunk and acting frisky. You get to your hotel and the concierge, while handing you your key, sensually rubs your hand and looks at you licking her lips. Finally when you get up to your room, after only narrowly avoiding the two college girls in short-shorts walking into the room across from you who while giggling invited you in for a drink, your gorgeous swedish super model wife is spread eagle on the couch waiting for you to "end her day".

Sounds nauseating. Shockingly, if you imagine this being your life DAY AFTER DAY, this otherwise awesome story sounds tiresome, annoying, and downright miserable. How many days of this could the average man withstand before managing to convince himself that "ok just this one time" won't do any harm. Makes you understand why Tiger resorted to sleep medications. Perhaps in Tiger's dreams women leave him alone.

Poor Tiger literally could not leave his driveway without having a girl chase him down. Tiger's life became a shitty, never-ending, axe commercial. So enough of the criticism. Enough of the "holier than thou, how could you" approach that all you sinners use to make yourselves feel more righteous. Few if any men can truly understand the plague that became Tiger's life. Rather than looking at him as an asshole, we should sit in prayer and hope this poor man can one day return to a life where vaginas didn't fall from the sky and where even your masters scorecard prods at your sexual escapades.

Other Notes

General Tso/Chao is a deragatory term given to a poor sustinence farmer in undeveloped china. But the chicken is awesome so who cares.

The Arnold Palmer ESPN Commercial is nothing short of awesome.

Walking around outside in summer seems like a great idea until summer comes.

If 1/10th of Central park was dedicated to growing vegetables which were then sold to street vendors, NYC could afford to run the MTA as an effective agency rather than the mockery that its become. I have an easier time getting a train at 4 A.M. than P.M.

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