Friday, December 14, 2007


Post #36 Topic: What’s worse?

Allow me to begin by issuing an apology. In my last post I was quick to jump the gun in labeling several players (Pujols, Varitek...) as steroid users when in fact their names did not appear on the actual Mitchell Report. I bold actual because this, although careless of me, was not my fault. The list published by prior to the actual release of the Mitchell report contained these names. As a firm believer that news is always the truth and never exaggerated to garner viewership, I feel that my mistake should be pardoned, and my credibility restored to Zero (which is better than negative zero).

As a baseball fan I am glad to know that Albert and Jason are not actually on this list. They represent many of the good aspects of the game and I find their innocence reassuring; to hear that they don’t yet wear all black and speak out of a microphone built into their dark helmets is refreshing in this time of holiday glee.

Other than those two minor mistakes, I do not retract anything I said in my last posting. Wally Joyner still has a squishy head, regardless of his steroid use, and squishy heads are still pretty damn funny (see picture in previous post). What I do retract is my failure to mention the repercussions that this report will have on baseball as a game rather than its players.

Forget rescinding MVP’s, Cy Young’s, or even World Series titles (although the Yankees cheated. They cheated and won world series. The only two rebuttals I’ve heard to this statement are 1) that everyone else cheated and 2) the report was bullshit. In response 1) they cheated and they won. Whether or not other teams cheated is irrelevant. Sure the report named a lot of Yankees and left some “probables” that played for other teams (Red Sox) off the list. But we do not know for sure if these other players did cheat. What we do know is that the Yankees who took the steroids were too dumb to cover up their tracks, both in their steroid purchasing and on their arms. Furthermore, they won having cheated… this statement is irrefutable. And 2), the report was not bullshit. Somewhere in the laws of evidence it is stated that where a person makes a statement against his penal interest, and implicates other defendants, that the statement regarding the other defendants is hearsay, regardless of whether the other defendants were co-conspirators or not. HOWEVER, hearsay is admissible when the declarant is available for cross-examination in court, and therefore, all this statement needs is 1 form of evidential corroboration to be worth its weight in gold in court), what’s back under the gun is baseball’s reputation. Now an optimist would say that baseball recovered once before, after the strike, and it will recover again. What that optimist is failing to consider is that the recovery was the result of none other than… that’s right, STEROIDS.

Along comes Jose Canseco. Outside of T.O., Jose’s got one of the biggest mouths in professional sports. Unlike T.O., Jose does not back his blabbering up on the field, which causes him to lose credibility; but not all of it. Amazingly, Jose has been remarkably accurate to this day in regards to his comments on steroid use in baseball. After all, it was his book that spurred this Mitchell investigation; were it not for Jose, Steve Finley could be three home runs shy of 70 in April.

Before we finish with Jose, lets consider another jackass: A-Rod. I don’t care how many times he apologizes or how many agents he fires, A-Rod could have demanded that Boras wait until after the Series to announce his plans to decline his Yankee option. Options aside, A-Rod now has a lot riding on his shoulders. The way I see it, the only way for fans of the sport to forget the steroids is to have someone else come along and out-perform these roid-ragers sans performance enhancers.

So not until A-rod beats Barry’s home run record can we say that baseball’s records are once again pure and that steroids won’t have an unerasable mark on the game. Not until A-Rod brings the Yankees a world series can we say that the Yankees have won a World series in the 21st century without cheating. Not until A-rod gets his 1st Cy Young can we forget what Roger did ON FIVE SEPARATE OCCASSIONS. Ok A-Rod doesn’t appear to be poised to win any Cy Youngs in the near future. Fortunately, a Cy Young award is not an individual record, rather its given every year. In fact, I bet that few baseball fans can even recall who won last year’s NL Cy Young (Brandon Webb with a league high 17 wins). Nonetheless, a lot is riding on A-Rod to wipe the cheaters out of the record books and to make baseball whole again.

But back to consistently accurate Jose. Jose’s attempt to build publicity for his new book should not defeat the credibility of his statements; the statements that put this problem in motion were made to promote his last book which according to the Report was factually truthful. But now what Jose is saying is even worse than before, that there is no chance for baseball to recover. Jose was “shocked to hear that A-Rod was left off of the list of players that had used steroids”. Call me insane but I believe him.

The following is merely conspiracy theory, but pretty genius nonetheless. Several hours prior to the actual list being revealed, rumors were circulating that Pujols and Varitek were on the list. As I mentioned before, the dignity of the game now resides almost solely within these two players, and thus along with A-Rod, it has been bestowed upon them to remind people that baseball is in fact a good game and indeed, America’s Past-time. Then when the list shows up, they’re not on it. Surprised? No, not at all. Its entirely understandable that one media source would use sourceless gossip to further their advertising revenue needs. However, by no means can we declare that the actual list is complete. Missing from this list were: Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Juan Gonzales, as well as several others. HMMMMM. There is less than a hint of doubt that these players were using steroids during what is now so appropriately called the “Steroid Era”, for crying out loud McGwire admitted it. These names did however appear on the earlier released list. HMMMMMMMMMM.

Consider also that the 1st list named many incidental players that most fans never even knew existed. Raise your hand if you know what team Manny Alexander played on (no hands). Raise your hands if you know what team Alexander Manuel played on (again no hands). TRICK QUESTION, there is no Alexander Manuel (well there probably is but seriously, whatever) but the point is clear. Most of the guys that appeared on the list you’ve never even heard of. How is it then that the 1st list coincidentally contained all the same no-name players as the 2nd list. I think I’m on to something here.

Seems to me like the 1st list was in fact based on the actual list. Why then would Pujols and Varitek be missing from that 2nd list? LOOK ABOVE AGAIN. These guys are supposed to be “good baseball players”. The league has already tarnished its image enough. No harm is done in exposing Clemens (retired), Tejada (past his prime), and other has-beens. Much harm is done in exposing a guy like Pujols who could someday help A-rod erase Barry from the record books.

Back to Jose’s point. What about A-Rod? While I don’t believe that this theory is necessarily true, I must inquire: Is it not possible that MLB requested that certain names be left off the list to give baseball a foundation upon which to rebuild. These guys could not possibly be dumb enough to still do steroids. Therefore, leaving them off the report erases any last evidential ties to their guilt. Consider that Jose Canseco had a source for his information. This source had connections to many teams. If the source was able to implicate other Rangers, or Mariners or whomever, why couldn’t he also have known about A-Rod. Assuming he didn’t know about A-Rod, why is Jose “Honest Abe” Canseco so surprised.

I believe that there is a distinct possibility that MLB coerced Mitchell to leaving certain players off of the list in order to protect some aspects of the game, especially A-rod who just signed a 10 year deal and is almost guaranteed to break Barry’s records. Can you imagine what would happen if A-rod hit 1000 home runs and we learned that he was on roids the whole time? The game would collapse… we could almost be certain that the home run record would never again be broken, and baseball’s pride and mystique would be forever ruined. Sure A-rod is a good ball player and physically gifted… But is he 100% more physically gifted then Henry Aaron who himself played for many many years? I doubt it. Not surprisingly, so does Jose. Then consider the fact that A-Rod is hitting all these homers off guys who ARE ALSO ON ROIDS, and suddenly our faith in the-rod (as I prefer to call him) disappears

My point is this: what would be worse? Finding out that A-Rod used steroids, or finding out later that MLB has knowingly disguised this information? I’d say the latter. Tell me everything now, give me a clean slate, let me put weight on the young players. Don’t give me false hope that there is one remnant of baseball that is good only to find out later that I was mislead.

I want to believe A-Rod is innocent, but before I do that I want to see a full list of all the players who cheated. If A-Rod remains off of that list then I will have no reason to accept baseball’s admission as the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help me statue in the corner of my room. But until you give me everyone on that list, I have a hard time believing that A-Rod is free of guilt, regardless of whether his name appeared on the actual list or not.

Other Notes

Need more contributors. Stop being such a wus (according to Fast Times at Ridgemont High, this is a combination of a whimp and a pussy) and get your voice heard. Especially to all my mute friends; NOWS YOUR CHANCE

I saw Biggie in a pizza shop in Chelsea yesterday. Yes the Notorious B.I.G., I saw him, he’s alive and he’s friggin huge. Oh, and he has a 5 foot 4 gay jewish boyfriend. I swear it was him, I swear.

Want to see someone looking at you weird? Wait until there’s quiet in a room full of people you don’t know. Then start whistling the Lassie theme song. Then wipe a tear off your face. Then talk to yourself in a low voice for a minute, smack yourself, shake your head and “snap out of it”. Then return to whatever it was that you were doing. Guaranteed success.

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