Saturday, January 5, 2008

Only 276 of the same to go

Post #36 Topic: Nascar… COME ON AMERICA!

Who really watches Nascar? The rules in themselves seem to support the conclusion that the sport is absolutely ridiculous. For example, every car is restricted by certain mechanical limitations. This means that regardless of how intelligent, how crafty, how “modern” a crew may in fact be, one team’s car is actually NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE ANY ADVANTAGES OVER ANOTHER. This is one sport that had better start lobbying for anti-cloning regulation or else risk a lot of ties. And what makes one driver better than the other??? Is it a question of who is more hungover, or maybe even who is less drunk at the time of the checkered flag… (MOM, you promised me Waffle Haus for chrismtas, git your ass down here).

Perhaps if the track was through the wilderness, on a linear course, with unforeseen geological features, unpredictable weather, reckless opponents and standard FM Radio… perhaps then I could even begin to comprehend any sort of fan following.

But look at Nascar (but not for too long because like the sun, if you look at Nascar for too long, dire consequences will ensue. While staring at the sun will cost you nothing but your measly vision, if you watch more than one lap of ANYTHING OCCURRING IN DAYTONA, you will immediately become attracted to your sister and corndogs). Here we have a sport with 30 of the same vehicles, circling the same track, sometimes upwards of 200 times. Seriously, what the hell is going on?

Back to the Daytona point. Daytona is the most filthy place in the world. For most Nascar skeptics, a negative Daytona comment might in fact be unfounded, but not for DCMSG. I myself have ventured to Daytona and allow me to tell you that Daytona is undoubtedly the dirtiest place in the world. Coming from me that means a lot. I’ve been to New Orleans post-Katrina, Eastern Europe, Baltimore and Mexico, which assume the 2nd through 5th most dirties places in the world spots respectively. Daytona however, is far seedier than even the seediest “water fountain” in downtown Mexico (yes, downtown Mexico).

Only in Daytona can you witness a drunken spring breaker bearing all on the counter of a Wendy’s to prove to the half-retarded employee that she is in fact “100 percent southern woman” (this really happened). Only in Daytona do people drive on the beach in tricked out hearses with interior fog machines blasting Lil’ John. Only in Daytona do bikers bring their semi-nude he-wives to local barbecue joints to get the $5 off biker week discount… Uhhh, can I help you with your cheap shit? (See Chris Rock, at Bigger and Blacker (1999)).

Now that all of you fortunate enough to never fall victim to a $200 air and accomadations spring break package in Daytona can relate, are you surprised that Nascar fans get bigger on their trailers so they can see over the sea of other trailers that populate Nascar events?

DC… WHERE DID THIS ALL COME FROM? Well… Today I was watching Talladega Nights, which similar to but not on the same scope as Night of the Roxbury gets funnier each time, and was stunned at something that had escaped me since ______enter hick name here______ won the Nextel Cup; specifically, that Nascar is still in existence. Not only is Nascar alive and well, but the shit is popular. Nascar manages to sell out stadiums of 80,000 people who sit and watch cars go in circles over and over and over again. Simply unbelievable.

Raise your hand if you’ve ever seen one of those digital clocks that spins the image in a circle so fast that it appears to be solid font. Raise your hand if you have any idea what I’m talking about. For those of you with your hands down, we can admit that said clocks are rather amusing: FOR ABOUT THIRTY SECONDS. These mongoloids watch the Ricky Bobby’s of the world go in circles for four hours A WEEK. Not to mention the poll races on Saturdays, the “minor-leauges” of incest Busch series races on Fridays, and then listen to Jeff Gordon preach about why Behr is no match for Benjamin Moore when you’re painting your outhouse and/or your grandma’s favorite rifle.

Dennis Miller: I don't want to go on a rant, here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first battle of Antietam. I mean when a neo-conservative defenestrates it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate...

Peter Griffin: What the hell does rant mean?

Other Notes:

Every time I go to Miami I leave wondering the same thing: Why the hell don’t I live in Miami?

I had a salad for dinner yesterday and enjoyed it. Don’t tell anyone.

Although I like fishing, I can only imagine ancient fishing. You drop your line in with a human as your bait and hope a monster comes up.

ADIOS NYC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When I return from Miami, and school once again begins, I will return to my more consistent posting ways. You can bet your 1st born on that.

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