Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Wicked Miserable


P.S. make sure you check out the youtube links on the side, this weeks is great.

Post #15: If you're going to Boston, be sure to wear lice shampoo in your hair

Yesterday I lost my fantasy football match. My league has ten teams, of which only 6 make it to the playoffs. Currently I am 2-5 and sitting pretty in 8th place. My chances of making the playoffs are now slim. But missing the playoffs is not what angers me. Rather, how I lost this last match was the true source of my irk.

When my commissioner was setting up our league he must have been delusional… the set up is simply terrible. We start two quarterbacks which is simply ridiculous. I chose Carson Palmer with my first pick who has been endlessly disappointing, and on top of that, my 2nd quarterback slot has been filled by a platoon of Rex Grossman, Joey Harrington and Brian Griese. We start two backs and two receivers which is normal. But then we also start a w/r (your choice of a running back or wide receiver) which requires taking a guess as to what starting back is going to get hurt in the 1st quarter that coming week and leave ample yards for his backup (this week it was of course Ronnie Brown, my best player as of last week).

But amazingly, my commissioner’s delinquency is not the source of my frustration. No; my vendetta is against Tom Brady. This guy single handedly beat my team. In fact, his stats are so ridiculous that the team that drafted him didn’t even need to start three of his other position players in order to beat me. And he didn’t. Tom Brady (as per the point breakdown in my league which is silly to say the least) had 76 fantasy points. Marvin Harrison, Carson Palmer, Calvin Johnson, Brian Griese and Kenton Kieth (Indi’s reserve back) combined didn’t have 76 points. Tom Brady beat my team on his own. The best part is that he was actually taken out after his 1st 5 touchdowns. For a minute, as I watched my ten dollar but worthless stat tracker, it looked like there might be some end to his insanity. But of course not. Back up Matt Cassell came in and on his 1st pass, threw a pick (Miami must have been stealing signs!!!). Sure enough, not confident that they could muscle their way through the pathetic Miami Dolphins, Tom Brady came back in and tossed another TD. Awesome. Say goodbye to your 50 bucks David, it was money well spent.

But this Tom Brady dilemma is only a minor piece of what I consider to be a much larger problem. Before our country addresses global warming, before we extinguish the fires plaguing the Midwest, before we fight terrorism or improve the quality of American made cars… we have to stop Boston from being good at sports. THIS IS AN EPIDEMIC OF EBOLLA-ESQUE PROPORTIONS WITH KATRINA-ESQUE REPRECUSSIONS.

There are no more miserable fans in the country than Bostonians. I would know, I lived with 20 of these jackasses during college. When the Sox were eliminated the year before their world series, my friend, we’ll call him Fluter, decided he was going to lie down naked on the kitchen floor in protest. These asses used to lock themselves in one room and not let anyone from NY into the room until the game was over. And when the game was over, they refused to talk about it… win or lose. Clearly this was a violation of the 14th amendment’s equal protection clause, and furthermore, a elementary due process violation. Every time the Red Sox lost there was an excuse. Every time the Pats were defeated the refs were biased. When the Celtics got crushed… well the draft was rigged (in advance). I can think of about a million more examples about what makes Boston fans the worst, and that’s not including their accent or drinking problems, that make Boston the worst sports city in the world (like anyone could even know that… Gosh!)

On top of that every time I go to Boston I either get punched in the face, lost in the middle of the city, stuck picking my friends up in Jail, or drawn on by ex-girlfriends as I pass out; I can’t stand Boston.

And now we as sports fans are going to have to put up with this nonsense more than ever this year. The Partriots don’t look like they can be beaten. Of course no Boston fan will admit that they only care about the Patriots when the Sox aren’t playing, but now that they’re undefeated and the Sox are in the series we have to contend with misery stemming from both.

And that’s only the surface. The Celtics are actually a good team. Sure they haven’t started the season yet and yes there are a lot of guys on that team that want/need the ball… but with that combination I find it hard to believe that they could be bad. Garnett doesn’t need to create his own shots. He’ll get his collection of post-ups, ten foot jumpers, and quick steps past opposing defenders to the hole. He’ll also get his 12 boards and 2 blocks and 3 assists. And while he may only average 20 pts/nite, that is the role he was destined to play. Garnett down low will give pierce more room on the wings to slash, and shoot and shoot, and shoot. Pierce is going to get more open shots than ever and his scoring average might even go up. But if he’s not hot from outside, he need only swing the ball to the top of the arc where Ray Allen can either pop his own 3, or feed it back down to KG as defenses struggle to get reorganized and find ways to double team 3 guys, and guard 2 others, with only 5 men on the court. Even worse is that the lottery disappointment wound up being the best bet for the Celtics, who would otherwise have been stuck with Old-Man Oden, no Garnett and no chance at winning.

So the Celtics, the Red Sox and the Patriots are good. This is enough to drive a normal human being wicked insane. But no, these miserymongers have to make it even tougher for us “evolved” beings. The Boston Bruins, one of the most storied franchises in any sport anywhere, home of Cam Neely, and Ray Bourque, and Bobby Orr and Joe Thornton’s old house are playing far above expectations (and the Rangers…). WHO THE HELL IS ON THE BOSTON BRUINS? No one. They have no one. There is no reason why they should be an efficient team. There coach (Dave Lewis) hasn’t been good since he left Detroit, and their management hasn’t made a good move since they left the Boston Garden (although they were forced to seeing as it was demolished). But their Thornton move is paying off (1/3rd of it) as Marco Sturm has been effective on offense while maintaining a positive +/- rating. Marc Savard is once again near the top of the league in assists. And one time projected 1st overall pick and cancer success story, 19 yr old Phil Kessel is contributing 15 minutes a night and has a few points himself. Then there’s Tim Thomas… not the NBA journeyman but backup goaltender who is leading the league in Save Percentage and Goals Against Average. I highly doubt that the Bruins keep up their success without finding a capable defensive partner for Zdeno Chara, but the fact that they are competing now is enough.

The other thing I can’t stand about Boston fans is that anyone who lives within 300 miles of Boston is “from boston” when their teams are playing well. I have a friend from Maine, a friend from Rhode Island and a FRIEND FROM Albequerque that tell people they are from Boston. And sometimes I think they actually think that they are. (If you guys are reading this, YOURE NOT FROM BOSTON… GET OVER IT). So not only do us real sports fans have to deal with Bostonians cheering for their teams, we have to deal with non-bostonians, which is the worst type of Bostonian there is.

So here is my plea to the Colts, the Rockies, the Bulls and the Rangers… WE NEED TO STOP THESE BOSTONIANS. We need to get them before they win anything else and we are forced to hear about it for another million years. We need to get them to start admitting that they aren’t really Patriots fans…again. Otherwise their infectious, contagious, diseased personalities will continue to spread across our vulnerable nation. And before long even the Boston Yankees will be fighting the Boston Padres for the 2008 world series.

Other Notes:

I ran into Gina Gershon today on the street. They say TV adds 20 lbs, but frankly, I think that the TV set is the only thing making her look presentable.

What can I be for Halloween? One year I was Bob Ross and that was the best costume I ever assembled. Of course no one knew who it was so I just looked like a child molester with a paint brush and a turtleneck. I could go with Spiderman or a ghost or something but I wouldn’t want to offend any DC Comic purists.

Tonight I was at a networking event that had food. One trey had Salmon in a butter lemon sauce. There was no salmon left but the butter lemon sauce was delicious.

Im going to change my name to something Russian, just so people struggle to say it. That way I can take a sip of drink, laugh, cock my head, correct them and walk away.

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