Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Post 8


Topic: Two popcorns, two beers, a hot dog and a bag of Crack/Coccaine

This season the Devils will be opening their brand new state of the art hockey arena in what happens to be one of the most potential-laden cities in the world… Newark. Why does Newark have so much potential? Well, if you don’t know then you obviously haven’t been there.

Newark is the perfect place to go if you want to sell your neighbor’s gold-teeth, buy a gun, and eat some fried chicken in the same shopping experience. Someone tell Wal-Mart to move over because a new breed of one-stop shopping is being incubated as we speak within the confines of the city of Newark.

Why is it called Newark? Simple! People moving from other countries wanted to move to New York. The original real estate barrons of new Jersey weren’t garnering any interest and didn’t know what to do. The conversation that ensued went something like this

Tony: Hey Donny

Donny: HEYO, Tony

Tony: Hey Hey Donny

Donny: Tony, how we gonna get this immigrant suckas to move to our city?

Tony: Fughetaboutit… lets make it sound like New York. That way when people move here and realize its not New York, we can blame it on our ridiculous accents.

Donny: That was quick… wanna get a few sets in?

Tony: Gabbagool.

OBvioulsy that is not the actual conversation, as names have been changed to protect the ridiculous. But nonetheless there is nothing redeeming about New Jersey and even less redeeming about Newark. Newark isn’t even the capitol of New Jersey; Trenton is, and I can’t name a single person that’s ever been or a single reason to ever go… to Trenton.

Several decades ago, one of the most highly regarded constitutional cases ever discussed arose over a discrepancy originating out of New Jersey (THIS IS ENTIRELY TRUE). New Jersey is a national dumping ground. Florida is to Oranges, as Georgia is to Peaches, as Nevada is to illicit drugs and prostitutes as New Jersey is to dumping ground. This is an analogy that appeared on my actual SAT’s so it therefore must be true.

Anyway, states were accustomed to sending their garbage to New Jersey, just as New Jersey was accustomed to using other states for their surpluses, most of which were not compost and toxic waste, but to each state their own. Realizing that they were becoming the Nation’s dumping ground, New Jersey passed a state law prohibiting out of staters from dumping their garbage in jersey. Needless to say the more pure, other states were not happy and filed a claim in federal court. In one of the most obvious decisions ever the Supreme Court held that New Jersey, could not constitutionally prevent other states from dumping garbage in NJ, or we might encounter a problem in which other states would stop sending their fruits to New Jersey, and New Jersey would be without fruit. THIS IS NOT A JOKE.

So now, in line with that decision some odd years ago, the Devils moved to Newark. And the reason Newark has the most potential as a city, is because as Brad Pitt said in Fight Club, “once you’ve hit rock bottom, theres no place to go but up”.

So up went the Prudential Center, now so endearingly referred to as the rock. Ironic? You bet. Ever seen one of those cops shows where they flagged down a loonie who had just bought crack and had no teeth left and spoke in gibberish? Well if it wasn’t filmed in Syracuse (in the mighty hills of the onandaga), then chances are it was filmed in Newark. Newark: The place where mayors will give you a handjob for your cheese heroin.

So now on your way to the devils new stadium "the rock" you are forced to travel DIRECTLY through the ghetto, which is practically all of Newark. For a team that was struggling to generate interest being close to NYC, this should really encourage fan particiapation. Not that the Devils are a bad franchise. In fact, they’re one of the best in sports: Always competitive, always bringing up home-grown talent, and nearly always making the Rangers cringe (this year payback will be a bitch). But their fans just don’t seem to care. Where else other than Nashville can a Stanley cup playoff game not be sold out? NEWARK!

This year the Devils lost Brian Rafalski and Scott Gomez. Marty Broduer is one year older and Patrick Elias is one year less interested in trying. The Flyers, Islanders (debatably), Rangers, Penguins, Panthers, Capitals and a slew of other Eastern conference teams improved remarkably.

The Devils are going to need to make some moves over the next off-season in order to stay competitive, and avoid one of the most awful collapses in sports... wait; I'm a Mets Fan... in what is slowly becoming the Pittsburgh Penguins’ NHL. And for a big name free agent with his CHOICE of where to call home come next season, what could be more attractive then a stadium that has its own guns for clean needles night, and drops its puck at the sound of the gunshot closest to scheduled face-off time.

Other Notes:

More about the Marlins President. I completely forgot that he got booed as soon as he walked in, which based upon his response clearly pissed him off, and understandably so. Perhaps this is why he went off on a tirade on me. But nonetheless, I got him angry which means he’s probably still thinking about my comment as we speak. DCMSG 1, Worst Baseball team in Florida 0.

Oh man what magical wonders do the geniuses at Wendy’s put in their chicken Nuggets. I swear they taste like whatever I want them to taste like at the moment. I certainly hope the secret ingredient is something completely disgusting and word gets out so no one else will eat them, they’ll lower the price and I can have all that I want… WHO NEEDS PUNCH and PIE/

When is somebody too old to go back to their school for homecoming? Apparently not 24 – Go Orange

Its hard to make nicknames for people Law-School. Calling someone Dildo in Ethics class probably wouldn’t go over so big. “Hey Ugly… HOW WASTED WERE YOU LAST NIGHT???

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