Tuesday, October 30, 2007

AFC > (being eaten by the duck) NFC

10/30

Post #17 Topic: There's a story, of a Man named Brady, and Peyton Manning who was the Colt's field boss. Peyton played just like his father, and Tom Brady threw to Randy Moss.

The Bears are 3-5, third in their division behind the Detroit Lions. THE DETROIT LIONS. The Detroit Lions haven’t been in the playoffs since 1999 when Barry Sanders was the world’s best back. Since then they’ve drafted four wide receivers in the first round: Carlos Rogers, Mike Williams, Roy Williams and Calvin Johnson. Two of those are still on the team. Since 1999 the Detroit Lions have used half a million quarterbacks including: Joey Harrington, Jon Kitna, Dan Orlovsky, Jeff Garcia, Mike McMahon, and my grandmother’s Pomeranian.

In front of the Lions in the NFC north are the Green Bay Packers who conveniently have lost to no one other than the lowly bears (see first post, and Rex Grossman’s passer rating). The Green Bay Packers are atop what proves to be a pathetic pathetic NFC. Tied with them at 6-1 are the Dallas Cowboys (more on them later), who have proven to be a venerable foe in the NFC.

Behind the Cowboys are the 6-2 Giants who were in fact beaten by the Cowboys, albeit in the 1st week of the season, with a defense that had yet to click (become dominant) and quarterback who was still desperately searching for that little divot in Giants stadium where he lost his confidence (I say San Diego stole it but Philip Rivers isn’t looking too much better and at least Eli is in some sweet commercials. Oh that’s not Eli, its his similar looking but far more talented brother? Nevermind). Other than those three teams the only team in the NFC with 5 wins is the Detroit Lions. Right there is my analysis of the NFC. That’s all it gets. A lot of my 7 readers complain that my columns are too long. Those people will probably feel that this column is also too long (actually, its come to my attention that most of the people that read this aren’t actually reading it but just look for what stupid things I am going to say at the end.. assholes). But the NFC simply doesn’t deserve any more attention.

Ok, maybe a little. The NFC, is home to 4 maybe 5, possibly 6 competitive teams. It is also home to several NCAA teams wearing NFL jerseys: the Falcons, the Rams, the Niners, half of the Cardinals and the Ohio State Buckeyes who no one realizes has played several NFL games because Roger Goodell had them play in Croatia in efforts to expand the NFL.

The NFC is the AFC’s brother that the parents didn’t really want but got too drunk to care to prevent, and have neglected ever since. While the AFC is out overachieving, winning games, padding stats, and smiling for photographs, the NFC lives in the basement, eats microwavable Mac ‘n Cheese every night and smokes pot till he passes out with his Playstation guitar in his hands. Then every night around 2 am, the AFC comes home, sees his brother passed out, laughs, and goes and nails the prom queen.

Other than the obvious ones, the AFC has more than a few teams that make it even more competitive. In the AFC West, the Broncos are 3-4 after an amazing ending and heartbreaking loss at the hands of Brett Farve. Mind you that Jay Cutler is getting better and better and this team has yet to establish a consistent running attack which has been the Broncos’ staple for over a decade. When these two pieces come together, the Broncos will be better than their 3-4 suggests.

San Diego started out rough but appears to have bought into Norv Turner’s offensive scheme. As of now at 4-3, the Chargers have scored the 6th most points in the league (approximately half of what the Patriots have scored) and seem poised to rocket into the playoffs on the shoulders of re-emerged LaDanian Tomlinson.

The Chiefs, who have miraculously developed a throwing game thanks to the surprising maturity of 1st round pick Dwayne Bowe, sit atop the ultra-competitive AFC West (We have yet to see whether JaMarcus was worth the #1 pick, at which point 1 more team may be added to this category).

Elsewhere in the AFC Jacksonville and Tennessee are both 5-2, and in 2nd and 3rd in the AFC South. In the North, Pittsburgh is 5-2 and both the Browns and Ravens are but a game behind. That makes 8 teams that are capable of capturing a spot in the NFL playoffs, without even having mentioned the 2 best teams; The Bengals and The Dolphins The Patriots and The Colts.

The Patriots and Colts are so far ahead of the rest of the NFL, that this coming weekend’s matchup between the two juggernauts is destined to be anti-climactic. No one denies that this matchup is the best of what the NFL has to offer. The odds on favorite to come out of the NFC, already faced off against the Patriots and were handed their asses by a score of 48-27. In no other game (other than a fluke against the Dolphins), did the Cowboys fail to register one of either a 200 yard passer, a 100 yard runner, or a 100 yard receiver. The Patriots simply shut the Cowboys done. Tom Brady? A modest effort throwing for 388 yards and 5 touchdowns against an otherwise stingy Dallas defense that has let up more than 25 points only once, coincidentally in the first week in the season against the formidable Giants. So what does this mean? The answer should be obvious.

But how do we wind up with such a huge discrepancy in league powers? We can start and end with the quarterbacks. The top four rated passers are AFC slingers: Brady, Garrard, Manning and Roethlisberger. The 5th? Tony Romo. Coincidence? Probably not. Rather, this interesting statistical conundrum points to the heart of successful franchise building techniques (and the obvious), that a team can only go far as its quarterback can take it. More proof? Look at some of the teams in the NFC’s basement. Minnesota is starting Tavaris Jackson who has no NFL experience. Chicago plays without a quarter back and hopes the center snaps the ball to Cedric Benson. Atlanta is rumored to be considering signing Steve DeBerg who will become the first active player to also be on the league’s pension program. Arizona is without Leinart or Warner, St. Louis has been without Bulger and the Niners are without Smith, and suddenly the mystery as to why the power is based in the AFC has been solved.

But this creates another problem. The Super Bowl this year is destined to be between either the Colts or the Patriots… and some team from the NFC. Whoever that team may be, the real Super Bowl will have been decided if and when the Patriots meet the Colts in the AFC championship.

And that brings us to this week. The Colts will play the Patriots. Both teams will come out adrenaline pumping. More likely than not both teams will take a couple of early stabs downfield, Indi to its “old faithful” combo of Wayne and Harrison (if healthy), and New England to new weapons Moss, Welker and Stallworth… and Vrabel!!! One team will make a defensive stance, take the lead, and the rest of the game will be a catfight to put up enough points to outscore the other side. And at the end of the game, either the Colts or the Patriots will be undefeated, while the other will have one loss.

Then us poor poor sports fans will have to listen to weeks of sports reporters debating whether the games accurately portrays the hierarchy of the NFL or whether the game showed us something deeper to suggest that the losing team was truly the superior one, and more likely to claim the golden ball come February. People will debate who the better quarterback is, whether the Patriots or the Colts were have stronger defense. Whether Belichick is still cheating or Dungy is too soft on his bunch. Whether Freeney is the league’s best defensive player or Rodney Harrison’s return makes the Pats even more unbeatable.

The critics knew before the season started that the upcoming Colts Pats matchup was this season’s hump-day, where everything before it was just build-up and everything after it just the aftermath. The NFL probably chose to put this game in the middle of the season so as to allow for some hype, without putting the game too close to the AFC championship game. And it’s a good thing they did, because with so little else of importance going on around the NFL (other than the Saints and Chargers slow start and Brett Farve’s fountain of youth), there really is not much else to talk about. But god curse the structure of the NFL, because no matter what NFC team spends two weeks preparing for their February showdown with the best of the NFC, the true best contender will already be home playing golf, planning what to do better against the Patriots/Colts during the next year.

DCMSG prediction: Patriots 34 Colts 24.

Other Notes:

Whoever invented Sam’s club must be a fat fat man. Ugh, I’ll have 340 buffalo wings, an 800 pack of airheads, 68 cokes and 20 cartons of Menthols Please.

Speaking of airheads, what did the white one actually taste like? Everyone used to claim that it was “wild” and could taste like anything, but I always felt the white airhead tasted like the white airhead.

Low def is the new high def… vintage shit.

I think I figured out why the Irish people have the reputation of being such big drinkers. There’s something about their music that just induces you to grab a cold one. Like that part in the Mask where Jim Carrey was about to be arrested in the park after a make out sesh with Cameron Diaz, and he started playing the Mexican music and the cops started rumbaing. Trust me, listen to Fuck You I’m Drunk, available for theft on limewire and the next thing you’ll know you’re waking up in a dumpster in Brooklyn with a Tony the Tiger tattoo (from personal experience).

2 comments:

Andrew said...

you are gay

Elan said...

Or a Jaguar tattoo on your back...