Tuesday, September 25, 2007



Post #2 Topic: Fighting in the NHL

As a Rangers fan, this posting is bound to be slightly biased, but nonetheless, the point made is an important one.

What do Todd Bertuzzi, Marty McSorley, and amongst many others and the latest to be added to this infamous group of thugs ‘n goons, Chris Simon have in common? Well I guess I gave it away, they are all thugs and goons. Unfortunately, according to Mr. Bettman’s new NHL by-laws, more specifically: Paragraph 42, Clause 8 Line 3, one can not be both an NHL player and a thug n’ goon at the same time. Just as an uninvited guest can’t be both symbiotic and parasitic to its host at the same time (that is unreferenced and my own belief).

These guys are single-handedly ruining the NHL. Because of them Hockey is cast in a negative light. Who cares that half of the NFL are criminals, half of MLB is on the juice (steroids, not the O.J. watch ((see tomorrow’s post))) and half of the NBA’s audience each year is made up of the human seed machine, Shawn Kemp’s children. In none of those sports, even football which by its nature is more violent than hockey, do fans witness acts even nearly as malicious as that which has been growing ever more common in the frozen ponds scattered across our country.

For a sport that is trying to regain its one time immense popularity, the NHL is certainly doing a sub-par job of glorifying how poetic the game is. At a time when we as NHL fans (meaning me and three other people) are poised to witness the rising of a new era. Where young stars slowly begin to chip away at professional sports BEST RECORD, and yes, Wayne Gretzky having more assists than any other player has points deserves that label, our great sport, which lays claim to the most historically relevant trophy outside of Pakistan’s famed national cricket Chalice, is being tarnished like a Barry Bonds world’s strongest man victory. And Chris… EVEN ARRAN ASHAM THINKS YOU’RE A THUG, or maybe he just left the islanders because they’re the Islanders, hockey’s version of a cemetary, where careers literally go to die (Captain Bill Guerin), hence the nickname Mausoleum.

Unfortunately for the NHL, Sidney, Alex and the rest of the new guys can’t defend helm’s deep on their own, its going to take a little something from the supporting cast of characters.

Allow me to clarify my point.

The NHL is nothing without fighting. Nothing at all. It adds an element to the game that is absent in any other professional sport. It gives the fans another reason to come, gives players another dimension by which to get into the league, and gives fans of the Columbus Blue Jackets and Phoenix Coyotes something to cheer for once in a blue moon. And now these assholes are ruining it.

Last season Mr. Simon took a stick to the head of one Ryan Hollweg, the foremost agitator and aggressor for a formerly otherwise soft, Europeanesque Rangers squad. Despite a suspension that still hadn’t elapsed, he was permitted to play in 9/24’s pre-season game against the Rangers. Guess what he did. After an apology so well-rehearsed that it almost seemed sincere, HE WENT AFTER HOLLWEG AGAIN. Now I, just as much as the next guy am all for NHL players getting their inflated salaries beaten out of them. But as our nation’s constitution (and Canada’s horse-back police squadrons) command, one must have the right to a fair and proper defense. Attacking these guys from behind, with sticks, with more viciousness then a Chris Benoit imitation contest deprives the Ryan Hollwegs and the Greg Moore’s and the Donald Brashears a chance to retaliate with what a lot of fans really want to see… fisticuffs. Mono e mono, un battle avec les mains, etc, etc, etc…

So wise up Chris Simon. Lets not forget, you have no hockey talent. For a guy that’s career best was 49 pts, playing on a line with the one time formidable Washington Capitols, on a line with the “Slovakian Sniper” Peter Bondra, and second best was 39 pts playing on the Stanley Cup Champion Avalanche (Peter Forsberg, Joe Sakic, Patrick Roy…), you’re paycheck is earned with your fists. If you keep acting up, youre going to slowly deplete your ability to practice your trade, which unfortunately, is no longer constitutionally protected (See Lochner).

What is your job? To make sure assholes such as yourself don’t go after the young talent that is in a position to save a dying art. To make sure that the Chris Simon’s of the world don’t go head-hunting on Alex the Great, or cross checking King Henrik, or spearing Evgeny “Czar” Malkin (made that one up) or any of the rest of the NHL’s recently inaugurated royal family. Until they do, just be happy that your foolishness hasn’t forced the NHL’s hand in banning fighting. After all, where would we be without a Gordie Howe Hat Trick (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gordie_Howe_hat_trick).

Oh, and Ted Nolan. STFU. Seriously, Not even Islander fans condone Chris’ acts. Just look at your attendance… oh wait, no one ever goes to Islander games. But still, STFU anyway.

Other notes:

Reading makes you dumber. How so? People write to make money. People who are reading are too busy reading to write. Given that our society is entirely economically based, it follows that readers are stupid, except YOU!!!!!

Don't put lemon on curried chicken kabobs. Just don't.

Popeye was an evil conspirator. Spinach is really delicious. Popeye was aware that all parents of young children try to get their children to eat shitty food by telling them how good it is for them. So, in all of his Pavlovian genius, Popeye started telling kids that spinach was good for you, when really he just valued it for its crack-like tendencies. Result: Less children eating Spinach, more fixes for sailor man. Asshole.