Friday, September 28, 2007



Post #5 Topic: I wrote this while on steroids

I was never a star athlete. I was never the smartest child on the playground. Never finished by grey arithmetic books in time for naptime. I was never the gifted musician in the school band or the lead in the school play. My writing was always somewhat more convoluted than my that of my classmates who were fast and efficient in their essay writing. I was CERTAINLY not the best driver (unless by best you mean most appearances on small town upstate court dockets).

In college I didn’t get the most girls, didn’t drink the most beer, wasn’t the most fratty by a longshot (although I drove an SUV, wore polo shirts and yelled at G.D.I.’s and freshmen).

After college I wasn’t the best employee, being fired once for rhyming in my customer service e-mails and scolded another time for calling elementary school children maggots in front of their principle (true story, more hilarious then words can do justice).

In other words, I was never the best at anything. That is until now. About a week ago I came home from a long day of school, having completed nearly 23 boards of Chip’s Challenge and getting 13 balls on my screen in Jezzball. Needless to say I was tired and in need of a release. Not being in Amsterdam, I needed to find something else help me blow off some steam, so I decided to begin a blog discussing the shortcomings of all of those professional athletes of which I am so jealous.

From a young age (like many children) I KNEW I was going to be a baseball player. Who cared that I was afraid of the ball and my doctor father, for the sake of my health, made me wear a helmet with a face guard in the field? Baseball was my calling. A 5”10’ Jewish kid from the most over-protective community outside of that strange town from the Village of the Damned (sweet movie), I was going to pull a Koufax.

“You can take away our dreams, and you can take away our goals. But you can’t take away our dreams”

“YEAH, because we’re like, sleeping when we have them”

“LATER VERY MUCH” (actual dialogue in dispute).

Fast forward to sophomore year of high school during which I was kicked off the tennis team for “soiling” the opposing team’s courts (which was really no more then some choppy concrete). Sitting in front of the school’s fairness committee, attempting to rationalize why peeing that exact minute was so important as to outweigh the option of using the bathrooms 20 yards away, I came to the all to harsh conclusion that my days as an athlete were over. The conversation went something like this,

Principle, tell me, have you ever been to a school baseball game”. Yes “well principle, tell me, have you noticed how often the players leave the dug out during the course of the game?”. No. Well principle, have you ever noticed how much Gatorade those guys drink?”.

I knew I had him. How could he possibly explain why it was acceptable for baseball players to pee on their fields of play, when tennis players couldn’t. Classiness of the sport aside, we had a clear case of a violation of the equal protection clause and I wasn’t going to sit idle. Later that day I was suspended. And although I lost the fight, I realized that law was perhaps a back way in to the world of professional sports, and one which would be worthwhile pursuing.

So how does that relate to this post? Well it mostly doesn’t but was an interesting tangent and one I’m sure that some of you reading this appreciated.

Back to the point. I sat down to write this blog, and here is the first thing that came out on my scrap paper. “I love Hockey. The guys skate so fast, and score goals, but the goalies are good, unless they’re old, then sometimes they’re not so flexible. Then its important to have a good defense. But defense needs to be good at offense… BLAH BLAH BLAH. You see dad, Doug, is like a fax machine. If you don’t have a title page, people don’t know where its going. And sometimes you get a busy signal, but that’s why you have a redial button, but I never use it…”

I was going nowhere. I needed some creative juice flowing. I thought about college and what used to get me motivated to write my Bullshit marketing papers, but unfortunately, given my career choice, I now have to abide by the law. I thought about going for a run to get my heart rate going, but that thought made me tired. I thought about calling one of my old friends and seeing what stupid stories they had heard (created) that week and perhaps writing about them, but he was too busy trying to figure out how he woke up in bed with three chicks from the midget KISS cover band to be concerned with my selfish needs.

So I thought, WWBD? What would Barry do? So I quickly ran to the local equinox gym, flirted with a couple of the juicers in the locker room, and the next thing I knew I was flying high (Danny Bonaduce really is a generous guy). Everything I was writing was fire, the best thing to hit paper since scissors. On steroids, I could not be defeated. I knew that what I was writing was the best thing to ever be written, and I owe it all to the steroids. (Editor’s note: these posts are not the aforementioned posts, these are only a tribute to the best posts in the world. It’s a matter of opinion.)

So here I am apologizing to all of those other video game bloggers, fashion bloggers, and bloggers who write about how stupid blogging is. Yes my writing is better than yours, but I did it unnaturally. But I’m turning myself in. I’m coming clean. Starting tomorrow my posts will all be clean. No more f-ing around with the emotions of my readers, I want you all to appreciate me for my true talent, or not at all. I’m Sorry

Other notes:

Islanders-Rangers games are going to be great this year, you can tell that the Isles realize how bad they are already and are going to be looking to make up for it in the illegal penalty department

Polish food is delicious, especially when you don’t know what it is that you’re eating, which after finding out what it was that I read, I believe was for the better.

I want to play Halo 3 (don’t tell anybody).

Why do ribs wait until they get to your table to fall off the bone? It truly is genius.

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