Monday, September 15, 2008

The Times.. They are a changin!


Topic #1(2) - Witchcraft.

I am stealing this topic straight from the headlines of ESPN.com - so sue me. Recently (yesterday), soccer fans were murdered in the Congo during their efforts to escape from a stadium engulfed in riotous riots. Turns out that one of the players (with a nearly unidentifiable name), feeling that his teamneeded an edge over the competition, reverted to one of the most common forms of game manipulation outside of steroids... YES, witchcraft.

Turns out that the COngolians believe in "fetish-casting". As per wikipedia, fetishism involves givinghuman powers to inanimate objects. During the game, with his team down, click-click-smoke signal decided to cast a fetish on the opposing team. This in itself does not signify the end of the world.

Rather, it was the reaction of the authorities that suggests... They know something we don't know. Seeing this athlete (the goalie nonetheless) cast a "fetish", the police stormed the field to prevent him from casting the fetish. From this we can deduce that Congoite police believe in this tomfoolery. But again, this on its own does not signify the end of the world. No instead, it was the reaction of the fans.

When the police attempted to stop the witchcraft, fans became so outraged that they started throwing rocks (which apparently replace popcorn at concession stands in the congolympics) at the cops... hijinx ensued. And they say New Yorkers are the best fans in the world (and phili fans the worst). As of yesterday I would have to disagree and say that the pedastel belongs to the Congolese. These fans love their squads so much

that they're willing to permit witchcraft if it helps secure a victory. And don't dare stand in their way, because as Bob Dylan so mercifully preached - everybody must get stoned.

So the secret is out - there is such thing as witchcraft and the world is going to end. Think about the possibilities! Can you imagine turning on ESPN only to find out that Tiger's old caddie has admitted that Tiger has been using witchcraft all these years to win tournaments - and to think John Daly quit drinking to become more competitive... what a waste, what a quitter! I can see it now, "Barry Bonds escapes incarceration; explains that witchcraft and not steroids made his head so big". The possibilities are endless - NBA Referees acquitted of fixing charges when Former Congo Residents DJ Mbenga and Desagana Diop admit to having used witchcraft to help the Lakers beat the Kings.

Witchcraft... its like the cousin coming out of the closet that you never expected, and are suddenly forced to deal with. Witchcraft; its here, its certainly queer, and it signals the end of the world.

NEXT ENTRY: Weird subway fundraising techniques.

Other Sports Notes:

Hockey season is starting in three weeks…

The Mets are the best 7-inning team in baseball.

Sam Cassell is still… the ugliest player in the NBA.

Chad Johnson might be able to beat Michael Phelps in swimming, but Michael Phelps could start at any position for the Bengals.

1 comment:

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