Post 9

10/4

Post #9 Topic: I loved Soccer

For about three minutes this year I was a big MLS fan. My excitement prevented me from realizing what I was doing when I burned three cars, turned over two busses and got billy-clubbed in the head twice; man is soccer an involved spectator sport . When I heard David Beckham was coming over my interest really did peak. I wanted to know when he was going to be in the Meadowlands playing the MetroStars or Redbulls or Vitaminwaters or whatever they’re called. My attention was then diverted to the fact that the MetroStars are building a new stadium in NEWPORT New Jersey (see previous post for my sentiments on New Jersey). Newport, as it turns out, is only 1 path stop away from NYC which meant that I could go to A Lot of NY Team soccer games.

On top of that, NewPort was going to be building a whole “downtown” area that was going to have great shopping; I was truly excited. I soon after realized that to me shopping is not quite next to watching a Night at the Roxbury which is next to godliness (cleanliness is somewhere beneath vomiting). Only recently did I realize that I really could not (people who say they could care less ought pay more attention to the little words that come out of their mouth) care less about soccer, whether here, in Europe, in Asia or on the moon. Soccer simply doesn’t matter.

So how did I forget about soccer? To best illustrate my point allow me to reference a story that a camp counselor from South Carolina told me years ago.

Have you ever heard of a Tadger? Well its something like a Tiger, its something like a Badger, and its something like a Jaguar. And if you see it once, you forget that you saw it. But if you see it twice you forget to forget that you saw it. There’s an actual story about it but going with today’s theme I forgot it. Also, it really is unimportant.

Anyway, soccer is kind of like a Tadger. When Beckham was in the news I was enthralled. But as soon as it disappeared, I forgot that it was even ever there. Soon after making his “epic” debut, Beckham was then hurt, reducing soccer’s already pitted relevance to a level that not even hockey (and a half empty Joe Louis) could comment on. And once again, like the Tadger I forgot that I even ever forgot about it. For a mere moment I asked myself whether I even remember David Beckham coming to play here, or even who he was… All that I could remember was that approximately a year ago, some reporter told me that with Beckham in the states, that soccer had the potential to “Spice up my life”. And when “all I wanted from Soccer you is a promise it would be there”. But now, “let me tell you what I want, what I really really want”. I don’t ever want to hear about soccer in the United States… ever again… this year. And then I realized that I never even climbed mt. Vesuvius.

Soccer had a real chance to show us something. That even though it was a low-scoring sport, with a wide open field, a slow pace of action, and annoying horns, flags and chants, that the United States was a place that could learn to accept Futbol. But David Beckham blowing out his knee was a perfect metaphor for how soccer (mis)handled its opportunity to break through.

The United States has a history of neglecting soccer. They buried 14 year old (in El Duque years) Freddy Adu in Kansas or one of those other states that make corn and tornados. They pulled Hope Solo in the semifinals of this years world cup… which is comparable to benching your pitcher named dignity or trading your goalie named potential. And now the U.S. put all of its weight on the shoulders of an aged Red-Coat, who according to tradition has let us down.

Well Paul Revere should have taken his time alerting the country. Because only now is David Beckham finally “training to get into playing shape”, and he may just be too late. This was the “breaking news” today, that David Beckham was nearly healthy enough to play ball. Nevermind that Isiah Thomas is enrolling in Stephen Jackson’s work-place ethics class. Forget that Marion Jones admits that she had more juice in her then a corked Sammy Sosa bat during her record-setting 2000 olympics, disregard that SIDNEY CROSBY TAKES THE ICE TONIGHT (10/4), and who cares that Notre Dame might not win a game the rest of the year? Pay attention to David Beckham. Mr. Beckham is nearly healthy. And should he ever become fully healthy, as per the Tadger rule, we may just forget that the sport of Soccer ever existed.

Other Notes:

Going camping tomorrow morning. Leaving with 9 people and optimistically expecting a 66% survival rate. Fortunately, several of my friends are a lot “larger” than I, and as a famous shark (Jaws’s third illegitimate son on which the movie Jaws 3 was based), the only thing that matters in the game of survival is that you aren’t the slowest. Plus bears don’t like the taste of Jewish boys.

I’m starting a Peking Duck farm. I need a collection of those Ducks in my backyard that are constantly available for my ingestion. This is non-negotiable. I am now accepting applications for investors.

Feel free to u$e the link$ below and the $earch bar. They’re the $ame one$ on the google homepage.

What did the Zen Master say to the Hot Dog Vendor? Make me one with everything.