Friday, April 4, 2008

Favre-ite Mistake

Post #50 (whoo)Topic: Have you seen my baseless balls?


After what has seemed far too short a time, Major League Soccer made its triumphant return last night (Thursday). With this return, fans will see David Beckham return to the field fresh off his failed reality series, and some Mexican dude take the reigns as the MLS’s next star. No that was not racist… but merely the truth. The MLS is pinning its hopes of finally catching the fancy of the American Public on a Mexican, from the Mexican pro league. Rumor has it that this new star is so so fast, that NO ONE saw him cross the border (see Plyler v. Doe – or to keep your sanity. DON’T).

Yes ladies and gents, the MLS is back, and what better way to celebrate than to talk about Brett Farve. The hottest of hot news on the press (even drunkenstepfather.com is reporting) is that recently retired star quarterback Brett Favre may not actually be so retired after all – apparently there’s something about brett that we JUST DON’T KNOW. And by we I of course mean you because my infinite wisdom propelled me to an immediate understanding of this otherwise complex seeming situation… allow me to drop some knowledge and as always, be sure to pick it up.

The Packers weren’t and aren’t going to win a championship anytime in the near future. Sure they went on a nearly miraculous run last year, only to get stopped by the eventual Super Bowl champions, but we must consider that there is a reason why football analysts get paid… and that’s because they know the bare minimum. The bare minimum last year? That the Packers WERE NOT GOING TO WIN THE SUPER BOWL.

The problem for Brett then became… why hang on when my prospects of winning are slowly disappearing? Brett isn’t and wasn’t the type of quarterback that could will a championship, especially not at his ripe old age. Rather, he was merely a product of that which surrounded him (during his glory days he had Mark Chmura, Antonio Freeman, Reggie White, Dorsey Levens and so on and so forth), which excluding the bitter cold of Lambeau was not all that much (look at the roster – not all that much is a freakin’ gift).

But as long as Brett was in the league there was NO CHANCE the Packers would ever let him go. The knicks (and the magic and sonics and wizards) couldn’t let go of Patrick Ewing. The Rangers couldn’t let go of Mark Messier, and the Yankees couldn’t let go of steroids. Consequently, all three hung around their respective locker rooms far longer than any consultant would have advised. The advantage the packers have is that there is perhaps someone waiting in the Wings whereas the Knicks have since conducted failed experiments with countless centers, the Rangers with countless captains, and the Yankees with more than their fair share of lucrative free agent signings (notice how I refuse to capitalize knicks).

So Brett needed a way for the Packer fans to let him go, and found it in a little known man by the name of Aaron Rodgers. Is Aaron Rodgers the next Brett Farve? Probably not, but one would be incorrect to say that he doesn’t have legitimate NFL potential (case and point his performance in relief against the Cowgirls). It was not until Brett officially announced his retirement that the fans could begin the process of converting their endless allegiance to a virtually unproven Rodgers. But the fans are trying. Rodgers is getting press, has done well under media pressure and has been conveniently questioned over and over again about his collegiate success at Cal and his triumph in Dallas during this past season. So, with the Green Bay’s collective arms gradually beginning their embrace of Aaron Rodgers, Brett Favre has casually slipped out the back door.

“He never filed his retirement papers”, “his agent has been feeling around for trade options”, “inside sources at the NFL say he has made clear that he wished to play again”, “blah blah blah blah blah”. If you’ve heard these rumors once then you’ve most likely thought about shutting off PTI, and are in no rush to hear them again. Do I think that Brett Farve has retired? Yes (with emphatic emphasis). Do I however rule out the possibility of a return? NO (slightly less emphasis).

What Brett has done is succeeded in alienating himself from the Green Bay public. Although the cheeseheads would welcome papa brett back in an artificially created heartbeat, whether he will allow them too is a far different story. See Brett has been playing with the Packers fans for the better part of a half decade, wavering over whether or not he would retire or keep playing. Now having guaranteed his retirement, Brett has pretty much guaranteed that any return would take place outside of Wisconsin.

Lets cut it down. First we eliminate the teams set at quarterback (involves having a young guy/veteran platoon or a star). Goodbye: Giants, Cowboys, Saints, SeaHawks, Cardinals, Patriots, Steelers, Browns, Bengals, Colts, Jaguars, Titans, Texans, Chargers, Broncos and Raiders.

We can automatically count out division rivals, just because. Au Revoir: Vikings, Lions, Bears.

This only leaves a couple of possibilities, some of which we can eliminate for other reasons. Eagles: while the Eagles may be over the Donovan phase, it would be cruel and unusual punishment for this management to not dedicate the next several years to rebuilding the surrounding elements and hopefully develop a quarterback from within. While Brian Kolb is NOT THE ANSWER, Brady Quinn may soon become available and could be worth a shot.

Buccaneers: This is a possibility, especially given the warm weather in Florida. And the Bucs are a good getting better team. But the Bucs have Jeff Garcia and would be wiser to follow the Eagles advice and start developing a replacement, perhaps through the draft.

Brett isn’t joining a “work in progress” team: he wants to win now. Therefore, we can eliminate those teams that can’t win. Seeya: Falcons (although that is where his career began), Niners, Rams, Chiefs and Dolphins)

That leaves… well that only leaves the Ravens. If Brett was frustrated by his “options” in the tundra, how will he feel about trying to find Jamal Lewis in prison traffic? Probably not too good!

Oh wait, then there’s the Carolina Panthers. Hmmmm. Nah!

So I say piss off. Tell your agent to shut his trap and tell Wilbon and Kornheiser that you’ve got arthritis (they’ll understand). We get it, you’re a great quarterback; one of the greatest of all time. You’ve won MVP’s, Superbowls and even made bad teams respectable. But your time has come to say goodbye to all your friends indeed. You had every opportunity to come back to the city that made you who you are, but you washed those away as soon as you wiped your losing-forced sour puss off your scruffy gray haired face. Its time to ride off into the night Brett, and by night I mean the NFL sidelines where you can gracefully pursue your next biggest score, something not even Joe Namath could conquer… bagging one of those hot young ESPN commentators.

Other Notes

Yesterday (Thursday) my roommate was trying to figure out where he wanted to go out for the night. His girlfriend’s response was “you’re not in college anymore, you don’t need to go out”. ATTENTION ALL GIRLFRIENDS; if your boyfriend is under the age of 25 and you plan on keeping him around, NEVER TELL HIM HE’S NOT IN COLLEGE ANYMORE… unless of course he went to a good school in which case he probably doesn’t know what he’s missing.

The Beijing Olympics are in trouble. First we heard several countries were withholding their marathon runners for fear that the air quality could lungs. Next, several nations decided to boycott the Olympics in reaction to china’s attitude towards Tibet. Just imagine how pissed a whole slew of countries are going to be when they get to china and find out that there is no general Tso.

Scrabble is the new beer pong.

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